King James Bible
King James Version (KJV)
Testimony: Just As I Am...
Anonymous testimony "Just As I Am..." on 10/31/2016, 8:02pm...
Just a girl who never thought that recovery was possible.
Raised in church, and raised by awesome parents, I was a normal kid, but soon my world shook, as I entered into the teenage years, sadly...the devil was brainwashing me. ''Everyone hates you.'' ''Your too far gone.'' ''All your problems are because of your gender'' ''girls are inferior''....''Jesus is sexist, He doesn't care about you''.....And I believed it. I went thru some major insecurity problems...I was kinda upset with Jesus, and His word...I began to hurt myself, and overeat, because I didn't know how to deal with the overwhelming emotions of hating myself because of my gender.
The thing was I didn't know it though. I had no idea why I harmed myself, or didn't like myself. That is how unaware I was of my sins and issues. When Jesus told me, through prayer, I avoided Him because I was so ashamed about it.
I was SO unfair to Jesus, assuming that He viewed my insecurity as pathetic...and that He didn't care. Jesus seemed to be in a way...like most men, thinking women are pathetic, and weak. Because He was a man, He may have favoritize His own gender(in my logic)....I wondered if he cared...at all. I had a secret chip on my shoulder against Him...I didn't really trust Him....I was so scared....doubting the very truths about Jesus.
Someone told me, Jesus cared about how I was hurt...
I tried to clean myself up....but avoided Jesus....felt ashamed. I couldn't do it...I didn't know it, but I was in pride...trying to '' get my act together'' before I went back into His arms..., but I just flipped my Bible open to a random page, and the words melted my heart....The verse may not have been talking about me, but it was talking to me.
Isaiah is one of my fav. books...and I randomly flipped it to Isaiah 54....Jesus really spoke to me in verse 4....and it says in the verse,'' Fear not; for thou shalt not be ashamed: neither be thou confounded; for thou shalt not be put to shame: for thou shalt forget the shame of thy youth, and shalt not remember the reproach of thy widowhood anymore.''
Of course...its speaking to God's people (Israel)...not an individual, but He knew exactly....what I was feeling. Fear...of everything....Ashamed of my life...who I am....who I was....all the lies....all the pain..... I was also so CONFOUNDED (confused) about ...Jesus...and everything I believed in....
So, I was shown...I am nothing without Jesus...but a depressed broken addict. I was shown that I can't clean up my act and then come back, but humbly come to Him ''just as I was'' and get Him to fix me...and stay with Him...lean on Him. I used Jesus so many times as a prop....''Fix me...heal me, and when I'm secure...., sure I'll talk about You, but I don't need You....I'M FREED, and in control now.'' Wrong. I am weak and always fail when I think I don't need Him. He is showing me what grace, faith, and unconditional love is all about.
You see, it takes a lot of faith to believe stuff that I thought ''was too good to be true''. Its just easier to believe lies, and feelings...because its something you can feel, so it seems more real in a sense.
For someone who throws fits of (in the flesh) self harm to deal with my pain...instead of going to Jesus. And in pride...trying to ''get my act together'' before I try to come back...Its so beautiful, does He really just take us just as we are...? Even in the disgusting mess and shame I was in...He still wants me...He wants me back...even in this broken...hurting....selfish sinful.... state.