Anonymous testimony "~i Once Was Lost In A World Of Sin~" on 1/17/2016, 8:11pm...
My Testimony: Oct. 29, 2015 1.
I guess I should start from the beginning; I was born July 29, 1983 a place called Starkville, MS. The hospital was not equipped to care for me as I was born 3 months premature, so I was shipped to Jackson Ms. I stayed about 3 months in the hospital there with wires and supports attached to me. When I was born I weighed 2lbs. I was told my parents were unable to provide insurance for me, so my grandparents cared for me after I came home from the hospital. Shortly after coming home, my grandparent woke one morning, to find I was blue, and wasn’t breathing. My grandmother rushed me into living room and blew into my mouth; she later confessed to the doctor she had no idea what she was doing. He told her that because of her actions she saved my life, which is true I guess but God is the one that saved me, He just chose to use my grandmother to do it. I was told my grandfather took to me immediately. I have an older brother and younger sister who lived with my parents. So at a young age even though I was comfortable living with my grandparents, I began having thoughts like:
Why didn’t I have a mother and father that lived with me like my brother- sister did?
What was it like to have other kids to play with at home, as I was the only one most of the time. So I was pretty shy as a kid. Even relating to my siblings was a struggle for me. I felt as an outcast. Also I struggled with why I didn’t get to see my parents as much as other kids did? Didn’t they love me?
Also I was known as the favorite among my grandparents which was hard because it wasn’t anything I had asked for. So I was treated with anger and resentment toward other family members such as cousins and siblings.
I remember calling my grandparents, “momma “and “daddy”. I do not remember if this was what was encouraged by my grandparents or if it was a sort of coping mechanism for me. Early on I grew a strong attachment with my grandfather. Him being the one that took the time to potty train me, take me
to softball and tee-ball games, fishing, play cards and watch movies together. He was the first person that introduced the bible to me John 3:16-17. I knew the scriptures at age 6-7. My grandparents confessed they believed in God and that Jesus died for our sins. But even at an early age I realized they didn’t go to church on a regular basis. They owned a video store and it was “open” 7day/wk. I guess somewhere along the lines satan wiggled his way in here and there, though they had the best intentions of raising me. Discipline was a bit excessive, that of what you would probably expect of their generation. I remember one time of being told not to go behind a restaurant that my grandparents ran/owned due to a gully that ran behind it. They feared us kids would fall in, and looking back she had a valid reason to be afraid. But I was always looking to please my brother and look “cool “, in his eyes. So I went behind there to retrieve a broken mop handle so he could play,” ninja”. My grandmother spotted me at once through the window. She flew out the front door of the restaurant and the first thing she spotted was a fiberglass CB -antennae. That’s what was used to whip me with, while customers came and went. At that time, no one thought of that kind of punishment. If they did no one spoke of it. So at that time in my life not only had I had to learn to cope without a mom, dad, or siblings being present on a constant basis. But the pain and embarrassment I endured that day was something that carried into my teenage years. I believe I deserved to be punished but, I also believed maybe my grandmother’s fear caused her to carry it a bit too far. My mother said she knew nothing of it, and was angry when first hearing of this. Not only was I having to learn to cope with these feelings, I also had to process and learn to cope with the fact that as I grew, I couldn’t understand why when I took a bath at age 6-7 he would look in on me. The house that I lived in with my grandparents apparently had, had a water leak in the bathroom cause I remember at an early age that the main bath and half bath wall were connected. At the shower where the faucets were there was a hole in the wall, like maybe they didn’t have the money to repair it. As I would have to take baths my grandfather would look at me through the wall. At first when I noticed it I was shocked and froze and didn’t move. It was like my mind was
numb, unable to understand why?!? If he loved me like he said why he would do this. It was always when my grandmother was away at work and he was watching me. So, fear kept me silent for about 5-6 years. Because I loved and cared for him so much I was afraid to come forward, for fear he would be taken to jail or maybe I would never see him again. Maybe he would not love me anymore if I told. One day I could not bear the silence anymore. I told my brother and begged him not to tell. He promised he would not! I was visiting him at my parent’s house, and at this time I was roughly 13-14 years old. Throughout this whole time my grandfather had retired from Georgia Pacific and had developed a handful of illnesses: emphysema due to smoking, asbestos from the plant he worked at, as well as lung cancer. So traveling back and forth to chemo treatments was also something that I had to add to the list of worries. A week or so passed after telling my brother and I visited again, he pulled me to the side and said, I do not want you to be mad but I had to tell mom and dad what you told me. Once again fear and anger gripped me, like constant friends they were. These feelings became second nature to me more or less coping mechanisms or so it seemed. He said mom and dad are not going to do anything at this point; they are waiting to hear your side of the story. At this point there were several aspects I didn’t know. So I went to their room and started telling them everything. My mother immediately started crying; after all it was her father I was talking about. After hugging me tightly and saying I am so sorry, I never knew. Her next words I will never forget. She said, “So all those years ago when Dorthy said the same thing and no one believed her, now you come and say the same thing.” My father excused himself from the room as tears ran down his cheeks. He went back to working on his Ford truck in the front yard. Came back in about ten minutes afterward and said: “Linda, remember when I swore to everyone in this town I would never come back? God instead told me, go back even though I did not want to or know why.” I was stunned, and my mom said, “Yes, I do.”( I thought to myself why would he never want to come back I lived here wouldn’t he want to see me? I am older now and can see the various reasons why…He at that point was a recovering alcoholic and were addicted to drugs. (So I suppose
God does use all types of people to carry out his plan) He then replied, “This is why, it was for Amanda.” Next thing I knew CPS visited me at school. I was too afraid to tell the social worker any details, for fear he would be taken away to jail. I told my parents this after school, they were disappointed that I had not said anything to her but were patient as the same time. Two weeks later I finally got the courage to speak, up to this point I was still at my grandparents. And it had become a nightmare for me. They had become aware that CPS was called, and my grandmother refused to believe that my grandfather did this. So this also caused more anger to brew inside me. How could she not believe me if she loved me? This thought was constantly with me, and quality time with my grandfather became awkward to say the least. Looking back I suppose I wouldn’t want to believe this of my husband either. There were only two family members who didn’t treat me as an outcast at this point for all the things that were taking place. My mother’s sister, and brother, everyone else treated me like the black sheep so to speak. After going through all necessary legal motions my parents were granted custody of me, and decided they would move. They wanted a fresh start as a family, away from all the things that I had been exposed to. This was extremely difficult for me, cause even though I was wounded emotionally I did not want to leave my friends, and family. My dad prayed on it and decided Tennessee would be where we settled. At this point I was in the 8th grade. About I would say 3-4 months after moving my grandfather died of lung cancer, causing me to shut down emotionally even more. I felt I had no closure in his death and would continue to struggle over the years with his death and what had happened. We made it back to Mississippi in time to see him before he passed away. He was unresponsive for the most part. My dad brought us to the vending area and had gotten us a snack and drink and we had found a spot in the large waiting area to sit. I do not remember who, but someone came rushing out of the elevator saying ,”Amanda, papaw wants to talk to you, he has something he wants to say.” I have spoken to mom about it and explained that I have always wondered if he wanted to apologize to me. She responded, “I was there in the room and I do not remember him saying that at all. He never spoke that I
know of. That was just something mom made up.” To this day I still do not know the real truth of it. More importantly I wondered if he had repented to God. So making friends was quite difficult as I hadn’t really moved schools but maybe once up to this point. Life with my parents was something new I hadn’t really developed a lot of bonds that my sister and brother had growing up. I remember mom taking things a lot easier on my brother and sister. Discipline for me was a lot harder and I remember her repeating,” When you were little you never shared your toys. You were always selfish with them didn’t want others to play with them.” (honestly I didn’t know how to relate to other kids..even my siblings..i had very little social skills) With my sister she was always happy go lucky kid and my brother was always the one who protected us girls. I wondered to myself if there was anything in my life that my parents were proud of where I was concerned. In my 9th grade year I met Jason. Throughout high school we dated, and married in 2002 after I graduated. My brother and sister didn’t graduate instead they got their GED and my parents were ok with that. I remember sticking with my studies until senior year and my mother getting upset with me because she thought instead I should go to college. She was even disappointed that I was deciding to get married to Jason instead of pursuing college and live with her so she could still receive the monthly check she got for taking care of me, after moving in with her since I had lived with my grandparents. This hurt me, cause my brother and sister had gotten a present for completing their GED but she was disappointed in me for not going to college. I would have hoped she would be proud of me, never mind the gift I just wanted her approval. Once again anger brewed inside me. I was reminded of my piano lessons that I had started when I had lived with my grandparents, and once I had lived with my parents I was told that it was too loud to practice and that there wasn’t enough money for it. The reason they didn’t have the money was so that they could buy drugs with the money that was supposed to be used to take care of me. (Before I continue with my testimony I will say this: Wives it is important to support your husband especially if he is God-fearing and makes it a point to put God first. Because my dad I believe was on the straight and narrow…but I do remember after
moving with them that each Sunday him and mom would fight about having to go to church! He went a lot without her but I saw it slowly break him and their marriage down. I believe God can and will take a mess and turn it into a message..and a test into a testimony. But as I continue you will see just how bad things can get if you allow satan to have leverage in your life.) For the longest time I hated the fact that they used drugs. One day it was like I had given up all hope and was depressed to the point that I tried it as well. This started at 19 shortly before getting married to Jason. At this point in my life he was the only thing that brought me happiness, when it should have been GOD then Jason..but it wasnt. As I look back now I see satan had taken over every aspect of my life. Anger was something I displayed at a constant rate, worry was something that I did as well. Shortly after I became married domestic abuse started this too I endured for roughly 10 years off and on. Once again satan got his grasp into my marital relationship as well. From drugs, abuse, adultery and missing out on the little things when my kids were little-taking things for granted. Until about Nov.-Dec.2014, something changed for good. That something was GOD he was there all along disappointed much like a mother or father when their child does wrong, yet patiently waiting for me to allow Him to take the driver seat so to speak. Even though I wasn’t truly living for God at this point, I had been praying for anything to change. I was ready to leave my marriage ( my only concern at this point was my kids)for good if that’s what it took. God kept saying, “No, that’s not something I want you to do. I didn’t bring you this far to quit. You have tried a lot of options but not all of them. Allow me to help!” ( we sometimes forget just how loving and graceful God is, even when we are in a mess he is there talking to you. If only, you take the time to listen.) Also I had at one point sincerely poured my heart out in prayer several times begging God if anything happened to my grandmother please let me have time to prepare for it. I cannot bear to lose her like I did my grandfather. I had no time to heal or find closure with all that had taken place and in the way it had happened between him and I as well as his death. Throughout this time she had developed breast cancer and had beaten it. Jason and I had, had an argument and it was a big one. He
demanded that I leave “his house”, as the kids witnessed me leave. That was really hard for me as all I had in the cold weather was my purse, phone and house keys. I walked a short distance and sat down on a bench and all I knew to do was pray. I knew this wasn’t the man I married, he was and is a good man. I also had seen firsthand what satan can do to a marriage. So I truly believe God allowed me to get to this point, cause of the prior decisions Jason and I had made. Causing me to hit rock bottom, I feel when you are at your lowest point in life and you decide to give it to God in prayer, the only way to go at that point is UP allow God to lead and He will not lead you astray. I had started praying more and more. So I rededicated my life at that moment to him and told God that if he would help me at that moment fix my marriage and help me I would try my best to change and be a better mom and wife. At this point, I hadn’t been a good wife or a good mother. At various points I had neglected my kids, and had cheated on Jason. I believe the Holy Spirit was revealing these things as I spoke; we both had been guilty of these things. I regret that I hadn’t taken things more seriously and have taken the years to this point in my marriage for granted. They cannot be restored. Also at this point with my grandmother the cancer came back, along with other health complications. I believe God was slowly yet surely preparing me to get used to the feeling of not having her with me, because I was reminded of my prayer to God almost at a constant rate at this point. It was a feeling of sadness and dread, until I began dealing with it, replacing my depression for positive thoughts. I started to feel peace. I knew I would miss her, but at same time I knew she was better off and not suffering. I started feeling God reveal to me beforehand that she wasn’t going to last much longer. The girls and I were visiting her for a week a few months before she died. I knew in my heart this was the last visit I would have with herI had no physical proof I just knew in my heart. I kept this to myself for most of the trip, especially from the girls. I didn’t want them to worry over it. The last night I had with her I slept with her in bed and held her. Told her I loved her and that I didn’t know how to live without being able to talk to her anymore. I think we both knew she didn’t have long. She said, “ I will always love you and you are my little girl you
always will be. And God will take care of you, just pray and ask him and take care of my babies and tell them I love them.” It was as if God was speaking this to me through her, trying to comfort me! I made sure she was asleep before I allowed myself to cry, and once it started I couldn’t stop, needless to say I didn’t sleep well that night. Deep inside I knew this was a way of me letting go. Looking back now that I have grown up and became a mom myself I feel all these things prepared me to be the person I am today. We had planned on going to church the following morning with her, me and the girls. Hailey however had started throwing up profusely and we were 6 hrs from home. Her insurance would not cover her out of state, so I decided to leave a day early. Halfway home both girls were sick, my grandmother spent the night at my house that night. That was the last night I was with her before she died, a few months later. I was unable to go to funeral. I know that God is real my testimony is just one of many but they are my experiences. Some good and some bad, yet all of these experiences remind me daily just how merciful and loving God really is. He turned my mess into a message, one I hope that can personally touch the hearts and lives of others. There have been too many times he has been there for me not to believe this Although, I haven’t always done the right thing, most likely I have made God disappointed at times. I know that his grace is more than I can ever comprehend. If he can take my broken past and heal it, then anything is possible with him. What God intends to do with my life at this point I am not sure, but this I do know. I am not ashamed of Jesus, I put him first and foremost, then Jason and my kids! I try to take it one day at a time, and try to focus on all the good things God has blessed me with rather than all the negatives, like I had done my entire life before giving my life to Christ. I also know that in the Bible it says : And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. (Romans 8:28) /I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. (Philippians 4:13/ For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life./For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. (John 3:16-17
ONCE I WAS LOST IN A WORLD OF SIN
ONCE I WAS LOST IN A WORLD OF SIN
MY TROUBLES DID SURROUND ME TO NO END
I LIVED MY LIFE THE WAY I CHOSE
AS THE WORLD PASSED MY EYES WERE CLOSED
TO THE WAYS OF THE WORLD THAT SURROUND US TODAY
NEVER GIVING THANKS OR TIME TO PRAY
MY HEART WAS COLD AND HARD AS STONE
UNTIL THE DAY I GAVE MY LIFE
AND THREW AWAY MY HEARTACHE AND STRIFE
THE DAY I ACCEPTED JESUS INTO MY HEART
PEACE AND HAPPINESS BECAME A PART
OF THE FEELINGS I FELT DEEP INSIDE
WHERE ANGER AND LONELINESS DID ABIDE
NOW I FEEL COMPELLED TO INFORM
I DO NOT WISH TO FEEL FORLORN
INSTEAD TO LIVE MY LIFE ANEW
AND TELL OTHERS WHAT JESUS CAN DO
ACCEPT HIM IN YOUR HEART TODAY
BECAUSE JESUS CHRIST IS THE ONLY WAY
TO LIVE YOUR LIFE, WITH PEACE AND LOVE
THAT CAN ONLY COME FROM ABOVE
LET GOD RULE OVER YOUR LIFE MY FRIEND
NOT JUST THIS MOMENT OR TODAY BUT TO THE END.