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Testimony: I Never Knew

T Mck's testimony "I Never Knew" on 9/27/2013, 12:41pm...

I am a 39 year old man who was born and raised in church. I went every sunday, attended sunday school, performed in church plays, participated in various other church activities. Now when I was old enough to make my own decisions I never really pursued God and His purpose for my life. In fact I did the opposite. I always held a decent job but I also lived "the street life" as well. I sold drugs, was a womanizer,drank, got high, and many other things I'm not proud of.

Anyway, in my mid 20's I rededicated my life to Christ but I still had this false image of who God really was. You see, I had done so many bad things in life and was still not living a righteous life that I thought I was a disappointment to God and that maybe I wasn't His favorite person. I attended church on a regular basis and was even ordained as a deacon several years ago but there was still something that just wasn't right. I knew about God, I knew and could recite several scriptures, and I I could even speak eloquently about God and His goodness. The problem was that I was only saying things I had heard all my life going to church and didn't even believe it myself. I am married (currently going through a divorce) and but I have had this void for wanting to feel loved for my whole marriage. I felt rejected by my wife and very unloved and consequently began to relate the love of God to the love relationship my wife and I had which was very conditional. I remember thinking that if this is love then surely God doesn't love me the way people says he does. Anyway, it took 2 1/2 years after my separation from my wife for me to start thinking differently. I thought my wife and I would work things out and get back together but it doesn't appear that's going to happen at this point. But when the reality of us moving from separation to divorce hit me my heart was ripped from my chest. i fell into depression and was upset with God. Fortunately, my pastor ad a few other strong brothers encouraged me and I began to cry out to God. I remember one day going to bible study early and literally ending up on my face with snot and tears crying out to God and asking Him to renew my mind. But more importantly I submitted my will that day. There was nobody there but me and God. I admitted to Him that I didn't trust Him and that i had been angry at him. I confessed that I had blamed Him for the failure of my marriage. It was at that point that I heard a voice say "Now we can began." During the next several months through scripture, God began to show me who he was and how much he really really really loved me. I told God that I was hurting really bad and that I needed for him not to leave me right now. God assured me through scriptures and through my support system that he wouldn't leave nor forsake me. God lavished His love on me in such a way that I had never ever known before in all my years of being saved. I had no idea that God loved me the way he does. It literally blew my mind at how much God truly cares about someone like me who has done so much dirt. He is now showing me things about myself to improve my character and make me more like Him. But none of that could be done without knowing how much he really loves me even through my mess. He loved me when I was a sinner and even now in His righteousness. God is faithful and is an awesome God. I NEVER KNEW how much I meant to him.

Humbly and thankfully submitted. I hope this blesses someone that doesnt know of Gods love for them.

 

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