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Testimony: For The Hopeless...

Kae's testimony "For The Hopeless..." on 3/04/2016, 4:07pm...

I remember it like it was yesterday. My family was out, I was home alone and it was the perfect opportunity. I felt my heart beating hard against my chest. So many feelings stirred within me, but fear was not one of them. With a bottle of pills in each hand I set them down on the table and reached for my large glass of water. "I can do this, it's now or never", but the guilt began to set in. I picked up the phone and called the Mrs. D. This woman had seen me at my worst and accepted me regardless; she was the only one I could call. With tears streaming down my face I told her today was the day, she told me she was on her way. Before she got to my front door the pills were gone and I knew I was going to die. There was no doubt in my mind. We rushed to the hospital and I was admitted to the ER immediately. The doctor kept asking me "are you sure you took all of them, are you sure you took all of them!". Yes, I took them all and I was going to die. As I drifted in and out of consciousness, they began to put IV's and heart shockers on me. When I woke up in the ICU I didn't realize how lucky I was to have survived.

That year was the hardest year of my life. I developed an eating disorder and would go through phases of starving myself for over a full week or throwing up over 10 times a day. Doctors told me I was going to die and that made me happy. I was diagnosed with OCD. Not the typical kind. My obsessions were fears, fears of what I would do and who I could become. They took over my life and I could no longer function. I needed to make it stop, thus leading me to severe suicidal thoughts. At the time, I saw no point to life. I spent my life in and out of hospitals with nurses who numerously told me that I did everything for attention. I couldn't tell them what was really going on, so I agreed with them. I was misdiagnosed and given an anti-psychotic shot that had an adverse affect. For weeks I couldn't move, couldn't even sit up. On my birthday, I couldn't even make it to the pumpkin patch with my family. I had extreme guilt; I could not forgive myself for the mistakes made in the past. I started cutting and then I started burning. I have remaining scars to prove it. I went through EVERY single psychiatrist at the local hospital and had two ongoing counsellors. The only person I trusted enough to tell all my secrets to was my counsellor, a couple months later she published my story as feature in a magazine article. I was physically abused as a child and sexually assaulted by someone extremely close to me. . I ran away from home and was arrested numerous times. I ran off with a boy who took advantage of my innocence. Everyone betrayed me and trusted nobody.

Let me tell you a little secret. That girl who went through hell and back got through it. When nobody believed in me, I kept fighting. One of my favourite bible verses is Romans 8:31 "If God is for us, who can be against us". Life is hard, that's a guarantee. But growth, change, and forgiveness IS possible. After that hard year, I knew that something needed to change and I decided to moved. I am now living in Toronto, studying to be an actress. I use the memories and emotions of my darkest days in my work as an actor to create something beautiful. Do I still have troubles? Do I still mess up? Do I have bad days? Absolutely! But I keep fighting and I am strong. All the pain... all the agony I have endured has created a badass, strong, independent 19-year-old young lady. I'm okay and I haven't been able to say that for a very long time. It takes work and it's hard, but recovery and happiness is possible. I am grateful for heartsupport for being there for me. Next month I have been accepted to audition for the top acting conservatory in the country. Whether or not Iíll be accepted, well that's in God's hands. But Iíll tell you this: Iím a fighter and I will never stop fighting. xxx

 

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