Testimony: My Pain And Finding Of Faith

Anonymous testimony "My Pain And Finding Of Faith" on 5/09/2013, 4:28pm...

I am writing to you today to give you a brief account of myself, I could try to sit and talk with you. I do understand that you are a busy person and on a restricted schedule, so I will attempt to make a as clear and concise, the anatomy of my history, as I can.

I could have people write for me, giving you an account of their opinion of me; or I could just be brutally honest of my memories and give you an account of them based on my feelings and recollections. I only have one account to offer. I feel that most people don’t know or have found the time to get to know their true-selves (or other-selves) as I have (given the current situation) and as you will see in my honesty. Who is a better witness than my other-self. Then if you still desire to know me through others you can decide, and I will provide, please keep in mind that I am only human.

This is a account of my life, not a day to day but an outlook . All I ask is that you do not judge me based on what a few pieces of paper may say, written by people that do not know me. Yes it is apparent that I am not even close to perfect. But truly, who is, there are people who have been imperfect there whole life, but evade conviction. That is not me, I stick out like the proverbial sore thumb. Yes I have made bad decisions, but I believe that my actions over the years do not stem from an addiction or dependence but more to, some childhood abandonment (self-inflicted) leading to extreme low self esteem.

Again I humbly ask you not to fully judge a person based on their past. It is true that the history of a person can be seen from their past, but it is also said, “ not to live in the past”, (when driving in a car the windshield is large and you can see what is coming at you, the rear view mirror is small, so you can see what is behind you but not drive forward looking behind you).I believe that it is what is done, here and now, that truly matters, the past can not be changed the future can. It is good to look back often (if the time is taken to stop and look at it) so that you can grow from these actions, the ability to make better decisions, expanded your knowledge, grow humility, learn from these experiences and build the ability to adjust your purpose. Which leaves the here and now, looking at the past, taking into account the mistakes that had been made, from these unwise decisions. the experience obtained from the consequences of those decisions, and an expansion of knowledge. the better the ability to make more wise decisions in the future (Which is where I stand at present).

Taken into account my previous concepts, values, beliefs, ideals, assumptions, defenses, aggressions, goals, hopes and compulsions. A new fresh clear set of goals can be obtained with a more positive outcome. And with a ultimate goal and reason for existence a new passion is given birth to. A new brighter future purpose is seen. Again I to judge lightly a person, based on their past, by doing so I believe by doing so,(unless you are on the outside of justification) you are making a decision based on your own ideas, experiences, prejudices, ideals, reservations, inequities and justifications (which is what I was doing), and self-deceiving your true-self and the world around you. We come to this life unclothed naked spiritually clean, right, we are soon poisoned through are influences. It is important to keep that inner clarity and peace in the heart, to live life with the purpose we were put here for.

I truly believe that GOD is the only person that can judge me in his perfect-ness, and that is how we should all strive to be.

We are all individuals, which makes us human and have our own reasons for our actions (sometimes misguided, sometimes well justified), being unlike any other creature on the earth, we also have the ability to control our environment, making changes and constant adjustments to better ourselves and the world we live in; making wise and unwise decisions but always learning and striving to be better. I now understand the philosophy behind our motivations and with out having wider vision, and the desire to become better we get stuck in the mud. Wheels spinning but getting nowhere.

The reports that you have read I believe (this is only my opinion) come from an imperfect legal system, where employees (councilors, officers) are underpaid and over worked not always having the time to truly educate themselves in an individuals personal circumstances and inner needs. It seems apparent to me, that people are treated less like a person and more like a number (which of course we truly are in a system). The availability of help is barely an option, in a world that is centered around the accumulation of financial wealth not spiritual health. So when a person falls into a depressive self destructive pattern, it seems there are few people who are fully aware of the many concepts of recovery and life awareness. Which has become my goal in life to do, helping who I can, rich, poor, young, old, desolate, overwhelmed, lost, hurting, needy and without peace.

Yes I have a dependence problem, but not to drugs, alcohol, food, bad relationships, and every other thing you can possibly become dependant on or addicted to, my problem is LIFE and experiencing it to the fullest.

I see myself as a good person, looking at what you see on a few pieces of paper, you could judge, by I ask you to please not read a book by looking at its cover. I have not been perfect but I have been with the same person for almost 11 years, raised (until now) her three (my) children who are now (twin boys) 14, and (girl) 17 years old , as well as my biological, now 7 year old daughter. I believe I have been a good father towards them, not as good as I could have been, but good enough for them to love me. I am sorry.

I now realize that I was doing things for my own selfish needs, to make myself feel better about myself which was covering deeper feelings of abandonment of which I had since a child. Over the past 10 years I have loved these children like my own, taken them to football, dances, parks spent time with them talked to them clothed them schooled them, taught them, and tried to realign them when they made bad decisions. Just outright loved them. I am now feeling great remorse for my selfish actions over the past couple of years, what happened was, I found myself blaming everyone and everything I could except for myself, for the things that were going wrong in my life. All I had to do was look in the mirror and reattach myself with myself, but all I did was keep spinning my wheels, with out realigning them. I had spent so much time worrying about, paying bills, what the neighbors thought, how I looked in others eyes, how much better I was than everyone else, because I loved more than them, I worked harder than them, I played better and longer than they could. It was all about me being better and smarter than them, one big competition me against life. I was self justified, I was right and everyone else didn’t know because I was smarter, I knew better, how dare they. I was important, superior, I was a victim (I was owed), I was bad (made to be), virtuous, better than everyone else, but still wanted to be seen well. I saw others as inferior, incapable, irrelevant, false and wrong, no right to be invading my space, they were robbing me of my inner piece and a threat towards my Zionist theory, they were bigots, which gave me feelings of anger, depression, bitterness and I was self- justified, it just wasn’t fair the world was an unfair, unjust, burdensome place, it was the world against me.

Now you can see how I came to be in a darker place. Things got harder and harder I was grabbing at straws trying to find a better Outcome, I had inner feelings of shame, guilt, loneliness, and self-pity which was causing me to justify my actions just making things worse, of course I didn’t know that at the time. It was being here in this place, that gave me the chance to stop, look and listen, once at bottom, what else is there to do truly. I believe that things that happen to us in life, happen for a reason. I was troubled, lost, spinning out of control, drowning in myself, creating my own hell, and blaming everything and everyone but me for it. This (looking at my history), had gone on for years and maybe this breaking point in life, was really supposed to happen. I am not asking for you to forgive me, what good would that do.(that would just cause a justification of what others think I am doing right). Just to understand my previous situation , and hopefully see my new outlook on the future. Everyday I am learning something new about myself and others, and its awesome.

So here I am, given this god sent opportunity to realign (not justify) myself with what needs, and has to be done, for me to live successfully. I now know what I have to do. I need to firstly find peace in my heart (which I have done) so I can make, more effective, wiser and better decisions which are contusive to my life, which in turn will cause me to build and have better relationships towards, and with, the people I need to have around me, that can be influential towards my needs, goals, desires, dreams, education and aspirations. I need to listen and learn from these people, as well as, allow them to learn from me, take there wisdom make it part of me and help teach and communicate it to others, as I travel through life. Whether it be here in America, with my family or taken from all I love in another place. I am whole heartedly sorry to my kids, my wife, my mother, my father, my brothers, my sisters, my employers, my teachers, all I have had a negative influence on and my beautiful country of which I have now resided in for 18 almost 19 years.

Thank you, for the time I have been given to reflect and know my inner-self. for I feel that it truly saved my life. I know that god will direct me towards where I need to go on to, and I trust him with full faith, knowing that his grace is good, and he knows best for me, not me for me. I am human imperfect, a sinner, a pacifist, a lover, a spirit, a son and I will do what is asked of me my by the most righteous person I know for eternity.

Thank you




Matthew.T.Holmes

 

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