King James Bible
King James Version (KJV)
Testimony: A Life Of Sin Since Childhood, A Calling To Joy In Pleasing God
Barbara's testimony "A Life Of Sin Since Childhood, A Calling To Joy In Pleasing God" on 4/21/2015, 11:17am...
Where do I even begin. I randomly decided that I should read others testimonies, while in reality being guided into sharing my testimony in hope that it will strengthen the faith in those that already know his overflowing grace, and in hope that those that don't believe will see just how GOOD GOD IS.
To start with, I'm 17 going onto 18 years of age in July. From birth I've had a not so easy life, my mother since before I was born received spirits and was possessed until her death in 2000. At the age of 3 I witnessed by mother being murdered by my father, though I didn't grow up with the dreadful memory of what happened, at times I would get flashes and denial got the best of me. Up until age 8, I thought that she may still be out there and would wait for her to come back, I tried to know who she was so I could become her, at age 8 anger, resentment, sorrow, fear, insecurity, feelings of being unloved and unwanted and every negative emotion that belongs to Satan that you can think of, was me. Though to my family and those surrounding me, I was and always have been at putting on a facade of joyfulness, I cared for people and did my all to help them as I felt helpless within myself. I look back and I see all the things that I did as a child, children are supposed to be pure and filled with purity, yet with me was darkness and the burden of the world on my shoulders. I never understood why I was so much more mature, why I fit in but not quite.
I realise now that sorrow adds years onto your life at any age. My childhood wasn't entirely miserable, I had many friends and got everything I wanted yet the problem was in my heart and what was being suppressed. I stole from my family and a few friends, I lied, I cheated at school, I came up with my very own fake life and family just to distract myself from the reality of what I wanted and did not have, I was sexually abused by a girl 4 years older than me though I had no problem with it. Once the abuse ended, I went onto doing many sexual things (still at the age of 8) and this continued for a long time, until it ended early this year. Many things happened in my life after those years, I was struggling to come to terms with what has happened in my life, what was happening in my life and most of all I was denying myself from loving others, building close friendships, but most of all denying me from loving me. Last year (2014) was the year all hell broke loose. Literally.
I manage to find stable friends whom equally grew up in weird circumstances, good at putting on a facade of happiness, and denying themselves from any form of love, strangely enough we spoke of our lives as being dreamy not to lie to each other but to lie to ourselves until we couldn't take it anymore. We began smoking weed, I began drinking a lot of alcohol a lot, in the morning when waking up, during lessons and even at home. No one knew apart from my friends because I was that good at keeping secrets. The alcohol stopped and the weed increased, a lot.
During the summer my emotion began to turn for the better, I became more positive, let go of many things, grew to loving myself (more like I became vain. Extremely vain), I finally decided that I would stop my happiness depending on boys (my story with boys is a wholenother story. Believe me.) but instead I would focus on strengthening my friendships and my relationship with myself. I thanked weed for all this improvement, as I truly believed that it "opened my eyes" what a joke! Meanwhile Satan was loving all of this, disturbing the peace within my home and myself and slowly leading me into the wide gate that leads to destruction. Of course I take responsibility,as they were my actions and none others mistakes but my own. I decided I would stop smoking and I did, for days until the day my sister reveleaved to me that my suspicions surrounding my mothers death were true, better yet I was told during a fight we were having. Funny thing is, days before the truth being revealed, I had decided to move on and realised that perhaps its for the best if I don't know. This devastated me and created a lot of anger within me along with the bad grades I got.
School started and I took a turn for the worst, I did SO many things to dishonour God and my smoking got worse, my attendance at school was below 60% and better yet, I didn't care about how I was destroying myself. I began counselling to ease my teachers, but things became worse with actually having to speak of what was in my mind and revealing my darkest thoughts frustrated me that I couldn't move on. Why couldn't I move on was the only thing on my mind. Then I openly said that I want a god-fearing boy in my life and wanted to stop smoking, I also said that the very next boy that comes into my life is going to be serious and I WILL have sex with him and break my promise to God. Behold, a god-fearing boy came into my life who also turned out to be my drug dealer, smooth with his words and pressurising me into sex because he couldn't handle it. I spoke to my Dad (who since going to prison has had a relationship with Christ and is a man with a lot of faith) and he said, the best thing to do is focus on God.
I stopped smoking after many attempts, accepted all that had happened and I can safely say I no longer think about what has passed, I let go of the boys that were in my life and all that was hindering me from obeying the truth and dedicating my life to God. I've made a promise again to not have sex before marriage and whenever I feel that there is temptation, I seek God and walk away from it, which of course is a daily battle but with Christ I can do all things for he strengthens me. Before God, I did so many things, I was into paganism, I was lustful ,angry, jealous, envious, not sober-minded, doubted God, denied God, acted as though no one could see what I did behind closed doors, I was fake and not genuine, I was ALL things that Christ teaches us not to be. There are so many things that I can say more about, but this is a mere summary of what has happened.
A very small fraction.
Brothers and sisters, I tell you that God saw from on high, he saw that I was not happy and I myself know what I wasn't happy, he saw that I tried many times to change but failed, he drew me out of many waters, he brought me out into a broad place. He covered me in his feathers, he showed me that I cannot go back, he showed me that he will never leave me, he will never forsake and even when I failed him all those times, he gave me a chance to start over.
He is my strength! He lightened my darkness and for the first time in my life I can say that I am in peace, surrounded my his love and mercy, shielded me with his faithfulness and I am persuaded beyond doubt that nor death nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor things impeding and threatening, nor things to come nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation can separate us from the love of God which in Christ Jesus our Lord. He has saved me from the pit of destruction, he saved me from my enemy, he took me out a life of sins, I can say freely as a free person that I am no longer a slave to sin and it is by the Glory of the Lord Almighty!
Be patient and wait expectantly for God, he does things within his own time and no matter how long we have to wait, he has given us this hope that is an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. He is worth the wait.